To fear or not to fear

I live for adventure, but my fear of both confined breathing spaces and sharks caused hesitation when I traveled to the Cayman Islands and was offered an opportunity to scuba dive. I signed up impulsively and before I knew it I was standing on a boat in the middle of the ocean, flippers on edge, oxygen flowing through my mouth from a tank, and mask in place. Let me back track for a second and clarify that I didn’t just sign up and smoothly discover how easy it is to overcome a fear and that was that. I had to go through an hour scuba lesson in a swimming pool first. The first time I went underwater and took a few breaths in, I hyperventilated. I completely freaked out and stood up in the pool, breathing extremely hard and seriously on the brink of giving up. Every ounce of me was terrified. The instructor surfaced and with attitude simply said “some people just can’t do it”. I took this as a challenge, partly because I am super competitive and partly because I needed someone to push me.

I took the next 30 seconds to discuss with myself what the worst that could happen was. I was about to be taught how to handle any malfunctions of my equipment so I didn’t have to worry about that. I had more than enough oxygen to last me double the amount of time I was going to be underwater, and even if for some odd reason I ran out, my fellow divers had an extra mouthpiece attached to their tank that I could use. What’s left? I was going to be eaten by a shark? I decided I would take my chances. Scuba diving was incredible, and being a part of another world for an hour was mind-blowing. I would like to add that while I was 60 feet under the sea, I did have my mask kicked off my face by a fellow diver and though I convinced myself I was going to die right then and there, I gracefully put my mask back on the way I was taught and nonchalantly continued to enjoy my surroundings. And no, I wasn’t eaten by a shark. 

 

It was overall a complete success. I didn't and don’t want my fears to hold me back from pursuing matters of my heart, no matter how small or simple. 

There are the more rational fears that reside in my core- those of heartbreak, loss, change, solitude, death etc. One of my biggest fears, however, is of fear itself. I am terrified of being scared. I am absolutely petrified of having my life dictated by my fears. 

Some fears have developed because of the experiences I have endured. I have had my heartbroken and I have been rejected (not only by people).  I have dealt with loss of friends and relationships, I have dealt with deaths and I have dealt with drastic change. However, I feel as though I can’t let my past experiences create a hold on me. Maybe I will have my heartbroken again and I will probably most definitely experience rejection again but I can’t let these fears hold me back from taking the risk. If I don’t take the risk then I am not only avoiding the negative extreme that I fear so greatly but I am also avoiding the positive extreme. How can I experience the thirst quenching, core shaking, heart racing, mind spinning love if I am too scared to allow myself to fall in love? How will I aspire to my dream job, or create incredible, life lasting relationships with people if I am too scared to try or give? I won’t. 

Taking risks is called taking risks for a reason. You risk endangering whatever it is you put on the line, be it your dignity, faith, or even your heart. Most of all you risk losing your control. 

The fact that you can’t control the outcome causes the hesitation at the idea of taking risks. The uncertainty is dependent on chance. Sometimes you aren’t ready, but most of the time you never will be. You have to decide if the fear of losing the chance to take the risk overrides your fear of not being ready, because sometimes it’s just that- fear of not being ready or prepared or equipped to endure what may happen rather than real, actual unreadiness. You won’t know unless you try, and even then if it turns out the way you feared then at least you know you tried instead of cowardly walking away. Don’t let fear stop you from living life. The most incredible, life-changing, passionate, unmatched experiences offered in this life are achieved through uncertainty, doubt, and risk taking. You have to be willing to offer a little something in order to achieve even more in return. 

FDR said in his First Inaugural Address on March 4, 1933- “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance”

Stay fearless

Sincerely I sign off…

S.K.

Be a lover AND a fighter

Struggle is a mere fragment embedded within the beauty of life. Like a chip in a wood carving or a crack in a marble centerpiece; despite the unintentional imperfection, they are still gorgeous. Struggle deviously finds her way into our lives. We have all met her, some more briefly than others. Some of us have had conversations with her while others share a bed with her every night, but no matter what we all can recognize her almost instantaneously when we see her. Struggle never travels alone though; she’s got plenty of obedient followers- fear, doubt, vulnerability, loneliness, cruelty, unfairness, disappointment and helplessness.

I do believe that people are strong enough to endure the struggles they are faced with. However, sometimes we are faced with unimaginable situations and circumstances that force us to create strength out of scraps and pieces of what’s left of us. I think everybody has the capability to rebuild themselves in the darkest of times, but not everybody tries because the truth is it sucks and it’s hard and heart-wrenching and life changing and incredibly painful. 

Struggle is a trip. Literally. People fall down all the time and get right back up and carry on. Granted some people take longer to get up than others, everyone trips at some point or another. 

What about the people who don’t just fall but rather plummet. What about those who land flat on their face on pavement and then immediately get hit by a car or two or three and lay there, struggling to breathe, barely alive. Those that feel immediate relief at the fact that life is not spiraling out of control for just one second, and before they can catch a breath, struggle is throwing punches again. 

When you are completely falling apart, your fate is in your hands. You are in the perfect position to be in control to piece yourself back together the way you would like. 

The unfortunate and simple way out, is stay broken. Let yourself be torn and let the struggle engulf your being while you ease into nothingness. (Sorry for being so morbid). 

OR 

Embrace the struggle. Let it shake your core. Let it compel you to feel scared and weak. Allow yourself to freely mingle with vulnerability. Force yourself to trust that you don’t know what you don’t know. Lay all your deepest and most intricate emotions and thoughts around you. Let the uncertainty of it all shelter you and comfort you. Dive into your own soul and reflect. In your most fragile state, you will discover your strength and power. The strength that has been camping out under the floorboards of your security, knowing that someday it may disappear or change or break. The strength that will help you, rescue yourself.  

Struggle may challenge you in many forms- fear, loss, heartbreak, disappointment, change, uncertainty, or unfairness; but stay strong and fight back. The most valuable things that are worth having are sometimes the hardest to obtain/maintain. Nonetheless, they are definitely worth fighting for. Life is valuable and beautiful and worth every minute of the fight. 

Remember, even those who are consistently tormented by struggle find a way to calmly smile in her face and patronize her in return. After all, love for life is struggle’s kryptonite. 

Be a lover and a fighter.

Sincerely I sign off…

S.K.

Why would you want to have a cake if you couldn't just eat it?

Hunger is generally known as the sensation of desiring food. Hunger can also be the longing for something other than food such as power, love or any dream. It’s the yearning for that satisfaction.  No matter what the craving, the process of hunger is the same. If not satisfied the sensation will subside briefly allowing you to forget and carry on without feeling the need to provide immediate attention to it. However, if prolonged, hunger is an incredibly uncomfortable feeling that may turn into downright pain unless gratified. It is a distraction that can only be ignored for so long before you are compelled to fulfill the craving. In worse cases of hunger, starvation causes weakness, fatigue and despair. 

I stay hungry. 

This past summer, I took 7 credits at my university and worked an average of 17 hours a week for my job. I was busy and always had something I should have been doing; however, I managed to spend about two hours every night for about a month extensively planning a 15 month trip to New Zealand, Kenya and Beijing. I organized fundraisers, created a financial time line for myself, and applied to internships in each of these places. I was going to intern with the New Zealand Cricket Team's manager, teach English and coach both field hockey and soccer at a local school in Kenya, and finally shadow doctors in Beijing and observe Eastern Medicine at its best while working part-time in a free clinic. I was itching for new adventures, new environment, and new struggles. Only a handful of people knew of this awesome, dream-come-true trip I was taking. {Notice I said taking and not planning} Did my parents have any clue? No. Were they going to help me pay for it? I hoped so. Was I crazy? Absolutely.

Crazy from my hunger.

I realize now like I realized then how absolutely unrealistic and unreasonable this trip was especially since I am a 21 year old in the middle of my college career and am being financially supported by my traditional Indian parents. In a nutshell, I have been expected to go to College, preferably continue on to professional school, get married at a reasonable age to a nice boy from a nice family that my parents completely approve of and have babies. I want to clarify that my parents are two amazing individuals who have done nothing but put their all into being the best parents they can be. I love them with all of my heart and would like to be everything they want in a daughter but fortunately or unfortunately for them, I am so much more. 

I’m unconventional and untraditional. I can’t be confined in a nicely packaged box and live this expected life. Some people are perfectly content living a common lifestyle. I am happy for those people and sometimes wish I could be one of them because it would just make life easier for me and those around me. However, I fidget, itch, become weak and sad at the thought of this lifestyle. I am desperately seeking ways to break out and experience every inch that life has to offer. 

This is the very reason why I decided to share the absurd trip I planned this past summer. It’s my promise to myself that I will take that trip, or at least something relatively similar in concept. It’s my ultimate satisfaction to the hunger in my heart. I have lists upon lists upon lists of books I want to read, hobbies I want to pick up, places I want to see, adventures I want to experience, people I want to meet, and lessons I want to learn. I have farfetched dreams like climbing the highest peak in every continent or starting a national fundraiser for a single research project or a cure for a disease. Then I have those small, silly experiences that simply keep my heart consistently beating like jumping into a waterfall, bartending for a couple months, or volunteering with autistic children.

No matter what, I hope and pray for my hunger to never cease. I want my heartbeat to beat so loudly, like a grumbling stomach, for the things I am so hungry for. I want it to be so loud that the whole world can hear it and can hear me and can be ready for me. I want to fulfill my heart’s every desire and live my life grasping every opportunity that I am offered. 

This blog is very much a fragment of the entire meal. I am happy to have you be a part of it as I sit here eating a piece of cake while digesting my satisfaction from starting this blog. Coincidence? I think not.

So, stay hungry for opportunity, for struggles, for strength, for love, for knowledge, for experience, for adventure, for life. Just because you are alive doesn’t necessarily mean you are living. 

Sincerely I sign off...

S.K.